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Tips Sheets: Business, Law & Econ | Culture & Living | Medical Science & Health | Science & Technology How to deal with college students coming home for the summer after their first year away Media assistance: Neil Schoenherr - (314) 935-5235 Source: Karen Levin Coburn - (314) 935-5040 Related: Record profile: Karen Levin Coburn Related: Excerpt from her book, Letting Go Related: Amazon.com, Letting Go [St. Louis, Mo., May 2002] - Summer is almost here. The weather is getting warmer, baseball season is in full swing, and students of all ages are taking final exams and looking forward to the last day of classes. Karen Levin Coburn This is also the time when thousands of students completing their first year away at college are packing up and returning home for the summer to relax, to play, maybe to earn some money, and ... for some, to stress-out their parents. For many college students who have just completed their freshmen year, coming home after being on their own with no curfews, no household chores, and no family obligations can be an adjustment. For their parents, the move back home can be trying. "Even though students come home during breaks, it feels quite different when they are home for an entire summer," says Karen Levin Coburn, associate vice chancellor for students and dean of the freshman transition at Washington University in St. Louis. Coburn is also co-author of the acclaimed book, Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years, which, in its third printing, has sold more than 250,000 copies. "Freshmen who come home for the summer are returning from a life changing event," Coburn says. "Freshman year is their first real taste of freedom in many cases and it can be challenging to come home, no matter how much they, and their parents, have been looking forward to it. They have been living in a whole new world. They are proud of their independence and aren't used to being asked where they are going and when they're returning." Coburn offers several tips for parents to keep in mind when their college student comes home for the summer: Keep expectations realistic. Your child may have matured a great deal over the year, but the road to adulthood isn't a straight path. "Students are used to being more casual at school. While they have grown since being on their own, you might still get into the car after they've driven it and notice the gas tank is empty. Or they may bring home three friends for dinner unexpectedly and wonder why you look surprised," Coburn says. Revisit your house rules. Make mutually agreed upon adjustments. "Curfew may no longer be appropriate but an expectation of a phone call if the student will be out late may be reasonable," Coburn says. "Parents may expect the student to do her own laundry and wash the dishes. It really depends on the parents and on the student," she adds. Acknowledge and see your student for who he or she is becoming, not an image you hold from the past. "A student who was a science wiz in high school may have discovered art history in college and doesn't want to talk about medical school anymore," Coburn says. "Or a student who was very much a loner in high school may have developed several strong friendships." Keep your sense of perspective -- and your sense of humor. "You have to have a sense of humor when you awaken to the beep of the microwave and the hum of the dryer at 2 a.m., and realize that it's your son fixing a snack and doing his laundry at a time that's normal for him," Coburn says. "You may also find yourself flinching a little every time your daughter raises her arms over her head giving you a glimpse of her pierced belly button, or multi-colored butterfly tattoo." Remember that like college, a visit home is a learning experience. "When the student returns home from college, everyone in the family has to adjust their place in the family. It may take a while until siblings work out their new relationship. A younger sibling may be used to being 'in charge,' until the older one comes home," Coburn says. "The family got reconfigured when the student was away, but when he or she returns, there are new roles, like who gets the car and who sits where at the dinner table." Don't be surprised -- or offended -- if your student is homesick for school. "When they are away at school for a whole year, it begins to feel like 'home.' They've probably made many new friends and they have a connection to the place," Coburn says. "They may even start calling it 'home.' That can be a bit shocking to parents the first time they hear that. But parents should feel happy that their son or daughter made the right college decision." Talk adult to adult The key to making the summer a success, Coburn says, is communication. "Parents need to talk about the expectations they have, and engage their child in conversation. These discussions might include use of the car, amount of time spent working or at an internship, how much the student will earn and spend during the summer, noise levels, doing chores and being home for dinner," she adds. Coburn urges parents not to revert automatically to the old rules from their child's high school days. "It's tough on parents because even though they have grown used to not knowing what time their child comes back to her room when she's away at college, parents can't turn off their 'worry button' when it's 2 a.m. and the car isn't back in the driveway," says Coburn, who speaks from firsthand experience as the mother of two college graduates. "Parents don't stop being parents. They worry about their child's safety. It helps to come to an agreement that recognizes their child's growing independence, as well as their own need not to worry." Students appreciate being treated like an adult. After a frank conversation, they're likely to understand a parent's need for a "check-in" phone call, and see it as a sign of caring on the parent's part rather than a lack of trust. "If parents approach the student in an adult-to-adult fashion, the student will be much more receptive," Coburn says. That includes talking about living habits, money and expenses, and relationships with other siblings. "Some of the habits of young people that may be humorous when they are home on break, like towels left on the bathroom floor, loud music and an unkempt room, may become a real drag if they last all summer," Coburn says. "Parents should expect to hear a great deal about college and the friends and places left behind for the summer," Coburn says. "The roots laid down at school grow quickly and deep. "As happy as students are to get home, parents shouldn't be surprised if they seem a little homesick for the college, too. It's a sign that they have become connected to the place and the people there, and that they have had a good year. And that's what their parents had hoped for when they sent them off the previous fall."
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